Monday, August 18, 2008

*dies*

THE FILMARILLION' by WHISTLER

Regarding the Making Of the Megabucks

"Great were the wonders of the Golden Age! For the people, in those days, purchased for themselves Seeing-Boxes, filled with light; and from within that light the Wise Ones spake unto them, and gave them counsel. And Uncle Miltie spake; and Lucy, who is called the Red-Haired, and also Amos and Andy, who are called the Politically Incorrect and are named now only in the whispers of the Ancient Ones.

And that age passed; and the people settled for a while in the Land of Mayberry, and they said unto themselves, 'Shall not another Wise One come? For wherewith now shall we be entertained?' And some of them departed unto Beverly Hills, and joined themselves to the tribe that is called the Hillbillies; and some came unto the House of Samantha, who is called the Nose-Twitcher, and there waited.

And in that time, as if in answer to the cry of the people, came Roddenberry, son of Roddenberry. And from the mind and will of Roddenberry sprang forth the Federation, and the Federation of Roddenberry begat the Trekkies, who are called among themselves the Trekkers, and among others the Geeks. And the people were glad of the Federation, and of its heroes. And among these were Spock, the Almost-Elven, and Kirk the Overdone, from whom sprang Picard of the Shining Head, and likewise the valiant ones of sundry spinoffs.

Yet in time the Federation spake no more from the Seeing-Boxes, for the people grew restless and looked instead to the greater lights that shone within the multiplexes. And the Federation was made manifest, after a time, in the multiplexes; and the people were glad. After a time Roddenberry traveled, as is the fate of Men, the Road of No Returning; but, lo! The Federation died not, but continued for a time beyond his passing, though many of its sons grew vast in girth and purchased, in the time of their fading, toupees of great worth.

And in these days came Lucas, who is called the Almost-Spielberg. And Lucas said unto himself, 'Truly hath Roddenberry gone where no man hath gone before; yet a greater thing shall I bring forth than that which was wrought by Roddenberry; and with it shall I make the Megabucks; and all shall tremble when the Megabucks are made.'

And Lucas brought forth the Force, and truly made the Megabucks; and Lucas brought the Megabucks unto the Film Executives, and they worshipped them and said, 'Truly art thou king, for the Megabucks art brought forth by thee.' And Lucas brought forth Happy Meals, and plastic action figures, and other wondrous treasures, and offered them unto the Children of the Force, and all were content, and the Megabucks grew greater.

Then did the Trekkies make war upon the Children of the Force; but after a time they said among themselves, 'Why war we thus? Truly, some are of the Federation, and others of the Force; yet are we not all Geeks?' And so they ceased to war, and the numbers of the Geeks were doubled, and they filled all the land.

Others then said unto themselves, 'Are the Megabucks for Lucas alone?' and they sought for themselves the Megabucks. Among these was Lynch, who is called Creepy, Even By Hollywood Standards. And Lynch brought forth Dune, and perished in the making of it; and the Megabucks came not unto him, and Dune was left to wither and decay upon the shelves of the Temple of Blockbuster. Likewise fell many other heroes.

And Lucas brought forth the Force again, and yet again, and yet again; and still the Megabucks came unto him. And Lucas said, 'Forever shall the Megabucks be mine; and if the people like not Jar Jar Binks, then shall I weep all the way to the bank.'

But some of the people said, 'Is there not a greater than the Force?' and in answer came Jackson, who is called the Townsend-Sacker. And Jackson said:

'A greater song have I than that of Roddenberry, or of Lucas. And if the Megabucks are brought unto me, then shall I bring forth that song from which the Force was partly sprung, and all shall marvel. And Lucas shall bow before me, and likewise Spielberg, who is called The One.'

Then were the Megabucks brought unto Jackson, and Jackson called unto himself many of renown to serve him. Among these were Liv of the Pouty Lips, and Viggo, who is called Should Have Been a Marx Brother; and also came Ian Of the Alternative Lifestyle, and John, who is called the Big Fat Guy.

And the people said, 'Truly Jackson maketh a good thing, or so it seemeth. And if he doeth well, then shall the Megabucks come unto him, and all shall praise him. But if he doeth ill, or bringeth forth the like of Dune, then shall we rend him asunder, and his house shall fall, and great will be the stench of its burning.'

So began the tale of which the ending is not known to the Sons of Men."

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The Filmarillion, Concluded

Lo! It came to pass that Jackson, after much travail, brought forth the Three Great Pillars that comprised the Great Work, and he placed the Three Great Pillars at the feet of the Film Executives. And the Film Executives were glad thereof, for straightway they perceived that therefrom the Megabucks did flow most bounteously.

And the Film Executives rejoiced in the Megabucks, wherewith they purchased for themselves condos in Aspen and chariots with four-wheel drive. And also they purchased for themselves costly hookers and snowy white powder from Columbia, whereof their nostrils were glad.

And they said unto Jackson, Truly art thou greater than Lucas, for never hath any such like as an Ewok besoiled what thou hast fashioned. And get us not started on those dudes who wrought the Pillars of the Matrix, wherefrom we derived much vexation and naught else. Come therefore now and let us bring sushi unto thee, and also Perrier and Brie, and other such trendy victuals as are common to our tribe. And let us do deals, that always we may have an abundance of jet skis and Jaguars and Mexican divorces. Now we trust thee fully, for the buttocks which we risked for thee art saved by thee. And there was much gladness among them at the saving of their buttocks.

Then the critics came unto the Pillars, and praised them with great praise. But Ebert the Anointed One, upon whom was placed the curse of the director of The Brown Bunny, praised them with fainter praise and somewhat kindled the wrath of the Geeks. Yet the Geeks said, more wrathful still do we grow at Rex Reed, who is called Myra Of Breckinridge, because he hath deigned not even to cast his eye upon any of the Pillars. Yet why care we aught for his judgment, seeing as he hath praised Michael Jackson in The Wiz and panned Marlon Brando in The Godfather? Verily, he is a dipstick who careth for little, unless it hath show tunes.

All the kingdoms hailed the Three Pillars, and those having Minibucks added these unto the pot wherein the Megabucks were gathered. And those with the Minibucks purchased for themselves all manner of doodads pertaining unto the Three Great Pillars. And they purchased for themselves life-sized Orlando Bloom cutouts, and rare Caradhras snow globes, and action figures fashioned of that substance which above all is prized among the Sons of Men, which in the common tongue is called plastic. And the people were glad to be parted from their Minibucks, for most were of the tribe called the Suckers.

And the spouses and the parents and the brethren of the Suckers said, what is the deal with thee? For firstly thou purchaseth the Pillars' Theatrical Editions, then straightway thou purchaseth in their stead the fancy-schmancy Extended Editions with forty-two hours of bonus material. And when the Extended Editions art thine, thou useth thine Theatrical Editions as coasters. Why rather waitest thou not until the Extended Editions art come? But the Suckers answered not, and neither did they mend their ways, for folly is ever the way of the Suckers.

In those days the Cyber-Geeks, among whom were Suckers in very great numbers, spake to one another from their seeing-boxes. Many tribes numbered themselves among the Cyber-Geeks, the greatest of which were the Nitpickers. And the Nitpickers said such like as, The bluescreen in the coronation scene looketh cheesy. And those of the other tribes spake unto the Nitpickers and said, Why saith thou so? For it looketh okay to us. And the Nitpickers spake again and said, We have taken a course in film, and know much of this art. And the other tribes answered again and said, Is it so? For if it be so, then why dost thou live on Hot Pockets and sleep in thy parents' basement? And why do the Film Executives bring not the Megabucks unto thee, that thou mayest bring forth a greater work than Jackson hath wrought? Then were the Nitpickers silent, for they knew not so much as they had boasted.

Now, among the Cyber-Geeks were two great tribes, which were called among themselves the Oldbies and the Newbies. And the Oldbies were wise with much lore, having seen many ages pass; and oftentimes they warred with the Newbies. For the Newbies spake oft with little wisdom regarding Tom Bombadil and Balrog wings and Arwen at the ford, and the Oldbies waxed wroth at such words and bade the Newbies be silent, else they be smitten with sore Terms Of Service violations. And oft the Oldbies did besmite the Newbies with sore Terms Of Service violations, whereunder the Newbies were crushed and torn asunder. Yet some among them spake against the Oldbies, saying, Who hath died and made you guys the Valar? And at times of such strife would come The Locking Of the Threads, whereafter would all and sundry weep with great weeping.

And the Great Age of Fandom passed over time; and many who numbered themselves among the Oldbies sought solace in the West, and sailed thereunto. And lo! With much sorrow did they learn that in their long absence their daughters and sons had sworn fealty unto strange religious cults, and that their spouses had divorced them and married themselves unto Coppertoned lifeguards with buns of steel.

And the Oldbies said unto themselves, Truly are we screwed, for too long have we blindly dwelt among the Cyber-Geeks, paying little heed to aught save Jackson. Now Jackson's Great Work hath been our bane, for naught have we now save the pink slips delivered unto us by our former lords and masters. Verily the cake by this is taken! And the Oldbies rent their garments, and grew mad, and straightway starved and perished, and so was come an end to them.

And so is come an ending to this tale, lest a Newbie in his folly take it up again.

3 comments:

Edge said...

Oh my gosh. I don't think I can say anything else.

cuileann said...

Oh my word.

*shaking head ruefully*

Just seeing the words "Trekkie" and "begat" in the same sentence made that worth reading.

Delaney said...

Verily, my father doth wonder why I look so merrily upon the computer screen. :P

Thanks for posting that. It made my day.

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